Those crazy answering machines!

My 2nd job, which is at a Chrysler dealership, is mostly kinda boring and sometimes down-right frustrating. My job is to call up sales and service customers and do a survey with them regarding whether or not they had a good experience at our dealership. Since I make my calls in the afternoon, I mostly leave messages on answering machines but surprisingly, I also end up speaking to a lot of people too. Most people are pretty normal and just want to get the call over with and say everything was fine. But as you can imagine, I also have to speak to some pretty irate people at times. And then, every once in a while, I reach a real card. There are some pretty funny people out there. Yesterday I was making my calls when I heard someone's answering machine come on and instead of the usual, "I'm not home, leave a message after the beep" spiel, this is what I heard:
_______________________________________

"Welcome to the _(family's name) hotline.

If you're obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you're codependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you're delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mothership.

If you're paranoid, we know who you are and what you want so just stay on the line and we will trace your call.

If you're schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you're depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nobody will answer you.

If you're dislexic, press 9, 8, 7, 6, 5...
______________________

Sometimes just having somebody say something to make you smile makes the work day so much more bearable.